yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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