I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's never too late to be topless.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
