Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
