His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i've created a new STD.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
