my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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