just come out here and I will go home with you...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i drank out of a bidet.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dicks are not precious.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
