shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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