I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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