So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
