There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
