I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
