When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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