Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
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Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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