remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
