just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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