someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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