She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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