so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
