yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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