woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
