i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The power of my boobs compel you
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
