Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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