I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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