Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
