saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
