My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she told me i tasted like america
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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