i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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