Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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