I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
