I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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