I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
