shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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