I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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