just come out here and I will go home with you...
she looked like the before picture.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
