I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
