Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
