Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
