the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
