he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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