I hate your face
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
