someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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