I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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