Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
