I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
