I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
