remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
