Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
