brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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