I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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