I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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