I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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