My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
