we have officially lost it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
