I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
