i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
