If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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