I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
