Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
