Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
